5:25 - That's What Time it is in Stupid Town
The clock is one of the few features on a phone that is less convenient than virtually every other available alternative. In my house, other than our phones, there is only one other clock to be found - the display on the microwave oven. I like having it there, as it brings me back to a simpler time and place, a magical land where I can just look at something in the room and receive useful information without digging into my pocket.
The problem in my house is that the clock is always wrong. Actually, it’s not wrong. It just never shows the actual time. That’s because the adult members of my family not named Dad never clear the timer on the microwave after using it. In other words, for some reason, if they heat something up in the microwave, they always open the door before the timer hits zero. Therefore, the time remaining on the last cooking job is permanently displayed on the oven, not the time.
This sounds nitpicky, but if I want to see what time it is, I have to press “Stop Clear” so that the display goes back to showing the time. But that’s not the real issue. The real issue is that the display – i.e., the time remaining on the last cooking job – always appears to be a real time. It looks like it’s showing the hour and then the minutes, so I have grown to distrust the microwave clock. For example, last night before I went to bed, I peered at the microwave to see what time it was, and it said 5:25. I pressed “Stop Clear” and it said 10:38, which was the actual time. It was time for bed.
I didn’t think much of it because this is pretty much par for the course in our house, but then, after my head hit the pillow, the deeper reality hit me: who the fuck starts a microwave oven such that the time remaining is five minutes and 25 seconds?! Do they have any idea what a microwave oven can do to something in five minutes and 25 seconds?
What the hell were they cooking such that the timer started at some period of time far greater than five minutes and 25 seconds? Were they defrosting a pork shoulder? A frozen leg of lamb? A turkey? And why did someone feel the need to defrost something at that hour?
If what I suspect happened and the desired cooking time was actually normal, like a minute or two, why start the microwave at the seven plus minute mark? Why tempt fate like that? What if the doorbell rings? What if the dog barks? What if you get a phone call? How on earth can someone be so confident in their ability to not get distracted in any seven minute period that they say, “fuck it, seven minutes, let’s dance. Let’s play chicken with this chicken.”
More to the point, if you know how much time you want to heat something up, why not just enter that amount of time to begin with and let it run down to zero? What could possibly be the point of entering a duration of time exponentially greater than what you could ever possibly need, especially considering the obvious risks to life, limb, and property?
This is not a complaint. I’m just writing this as a clue for the friendly neighborhood Fire Marshal slash arson investigator. I don’t want to tell anyone how to do their job, but if one day my house burns down, and you’re looking for the root cause, may I direct you first to the kitchen. There you will find a charred appliance that looks like it’s showing the time, but don’t be fooled. That’s just how much longer the machine has left in order to incinerate its contents and burn down everything in its immediate vicinity.
Welcome to Stupid Town.