Colon Adventures

Journey to the Center of the Girth

This week I had my first colonoscopy.  I would very much like to provide a detailed account, but I’m not Stephen King.  So I just wrote some jokes. Reader discretion still advised. Apologies in advance.

The Prestige

The preparation for the upcoming procedure is the most fascinating part of the whole sordid tale.  It involves a giant bottle of a secret liquid, which looks like a jug of Clorox, only not as tasty.  Although I picked up mine at the pharmacy, it’s something they might as well be selling at the magic shop.

What do I mean?

Imagine, if you will: a single performer walks onto the stage in front of a packed house, holding nothing but a jug of the secret liquid in one hand and a bucket in the other. 

“For my next act, I will consume this entire jug of a secret elixir, but, ladies and gentlemen, I will not urinate once!” 

The crowd screams, “It can’t be done!”

Ahh, but it can.  And it will.  The performance lasts four grueling hours. 

It’s even longer than The Irishman, but equally entertaining.    

Great Anticipation

Right before the procedure, as I lay on my side, bottom bared to the world, the doctor asked me if I was ready.  I said, “Ready?  I’m so ready, you don’t even have to turn the camera on.”

Anesthesia

I have to give them credit.  The anesthesia they use is top notch.  They put an IV into your vein and once they turn the switch, you are sound asleep in seconds. 

This is much better than what I’m used to, which is someone sneaking up from behind and putting a wet rag over your face.

Lord of the Rings

You might have thought it was the Elves, but in Middle Earth it was the Dwarves who were responsible for doing the colonoscopies.  They were the miners, after all.

The Age of Exploration

On September 29, 1513, the Spanish explorer Vasco Nunez de Balboa stood on the shores of Central America and became the first European to behold the Pacific Ocean.  The view was breathtaking. 

On July 9, 2024, over five hundred years later, Paul Piccione, M.D. became the first person of European descent to gaze upon my bare anus. 

The sight was equally beautiful.

The Discovery

I learned this week that, contrary to my mother’s warnings, when you swallow chewing gum it does not remain in your digestive tract for the rest of your life.  But oddly enough the doctor did find an entire McRib sandwich from circa 1989, somehow fully intact.