Local Degenerate Secretly Upset that Injured Bills Player Showing Remarkable Improvement
January 9, 2023
Glendale, New York – Queens native Kenny Munson claims he had “everything in the world” riding on the outcome of last week’s Monday Night Football game between the Buffalo Bills and the Cincinnati Bengals, a game that saw Bills safety Damar Hamlin collapse on the field from cardiac arrest, requiring life-saving CPR. In the wake of the traumatic episode, the game was postponed in the first quarter with the Bengals leading 7-3. The NFL later announced the game would be cancelled and would not count.
“I just hope he’s okay,” claimed Munson out loud to anyone within earshot, even though in his mind all he could think about was the fact that he had two three-team teasers with the Bengals getting 2 ½ points and another parlay with a game total of over 49 points, a prop bet for James Cook rushing yards over 26 ½, and that he was down 19 points in his fantasy football Super Bowl with Bengals kicker Evan McPherson and wide receiver Tyler Boyd still remaining on his roster. “That was a scary situation.”
But Munson nonetheless believes in his heart that the game rendered him the victim of cosmic injustice, and that “the game getting cancelled completely fucked me on every level imaginable. (Out loud) Pray for Damar, bro.”
Since being taken off the field in an ambulance, the recent news relating to Hamlin’s condition has been surprisingly encouraging, almost miraculous. Hamlin has been hospitalized in critical condition since last Monday, but it appears as if he has made remarkable progress, and that his neurological function is largely intact. There are unconfirmed reports that he is expected to be discharged from the hospital at some point today.
Although this positive turn of events has led to optimism in the sports community and has created profound hope from whence there was none in the universe writ large, in Munson’s mind Hamlin’s glorious recovery has only added insult to injury. “Let’s face it. Everyone knows I was going to win each and every one of those bets, and that I was going to win the fantasy championship to boot, that douchebag Jerry who won definitely knows it, which would have been okay, like I said, considering the scary situation I described earlier, but now that he’s literally going to walk out of the fucking hospital today, just… what the fuck, man?”
