Small Nerdy Refs Admit they are Unable to Understand the Movements of Large Athletic Men
January 12, 2015
Green Bay, Wisconsin – In the wake of yesterday’s NFC Divisional Championship game that saw the home Green Bay Packers defeat the Dallas Cowboys 26-21 after a controversial ruling, NFL head of officials Dean Blandino admitted that the officials in the game, like the officials in every NFL game, “are simply incapable of understanding the movements of the large fast athletic players on the field. Period. End of sentence. There, I said it.”
On a fourth down play with a little over four minutes remaining, Cowboys wide receiver Dez Bryant leaped over the Green Bay defender to make what every sighted person in America, young and old, understood to the core of their very being to be a catch and completion. However, because the play would have put the Cowboys in easy position for the go-ahead score, Packers head coach Mike McCarthy decided to throw the red challenge flag. “I knew we were fucked, so I figured I would just throw it. Who knew?” said a chuckling McCarthy.
Despite the obvious catch, referee Gene Steratore—described by Blandino as a “nerd’s nerd”—reviewed the play on his high-definition video monitor and reversed the call, ruling it an incomplete pass and sealing the Packers victory. “I obviously did not see the play on the field. All I saw were these really super-fast giant men running around in all directions. Then after the challenge, I was able to see the play on the little TV set and it slowed down a little, and I guess at first it looked like a superhuman miraculous catch, but I definitely think I made the right call reversing it. There were a lot of cheers in the arena.”
“I saw how high that guy jumped and the other officials and I got together and tried to see if there was a hidden trampoline or other jumping device on the field that we missed during the play. After careful consultation, we decided he must have had two small trampolines in his shoes. No catch. You may not like it, but that’s the rule.”
The line judge on the field, Terry Brown, explained his initial ruling of a completed pass. “I clearly did not see the play. None of us do, like, ever. Do you see how fast these guys run? How high they trampoline? But when I saw the tall black man in the white shirt start cheering like something good happened for him, I figured he caught the ball. But then when they overturned the call I knew that that man had tricked me.”
The NFL’s confession, while shocking, simply confirmed what American football fans had secretly suspected, but never admitted. “I always had this gnawing feeling that there was something stupid and arbitrary and random to how the refs made calls,” said Jerry Fritz from Paramus, New Jersey, “Now, every call these guys make, holding, pass interference, It all makes sense now. They don’t understand anything. They’re really just pretending.”
Fox Sports rules analysis and former Vice President of Officiating, Mike Pereira, oddly tried to explain and defend the ruling on the field by drawing upon the 2010 reversal of a completed catch by Lions wide receiver Calvin Johnson. In that play, Johnson leaped up and clearly caught the game winning touchdown against the Bears, clutching and securing the ball in his giant hands before discarding it to the ground in disgust like a child’s toy. The officials in that game, like the officials in yesterday’s game, simply were incapable of registering that such a thing was humanly possible, reversing the ruling on the field. When colleagues pointed out to Pereira that that prior call was a shit call, not a good call, Pereira decided to shut his fat face.