Sometimes It’s Not Okay to Pretend You’re Being Electrocuted

This was originally posted on March 27, 2023. From time to time, I will re-post some old essays for those who joined this publication later, which would include most of you. Don’t worry, it’s just as relevant today as it was back then:

I will be the first to admit that it can be hilarious to pretend to be electrocuted. 

The shaking, the convulsing, the fake buzzing noises, the feigned surprise.  I’ll bet that everyone who has ever been electrocuted for real—from the first caveman struck by lightning to Ted Bundy being executed by the State of Florida—was at least a little surprised when it happened, maybe even a lot surprised.  By the way, can you believe that we used to electrocute people on purpose to kill them?  Oh, wait, we still do?  Scratch that. 

But any appreciation for a good fake electrocution must be accompanied by the caveat that the window for it being funny is extremely narrow.  Electrocution is often fatal, after all, so if you go outside that window, what seems like a great bit can easily backfire, and can even be devastatingly cruel. 

For example, when I was in junior high school (middle school, as the kids call it today), my friends and I would ride our bikes to school.  For some reason, even though we lived in New York City, we had to cross railroad tracks on the way. There was a hole in the fence on each side, and we had to make our way across the tracks twice each day, once on the way there and once on the way back.  To this day, even though I don’t remember any actual close calls with the train, I still have nightmares of the train barreling down on us while we were crossing the tracks. 

But I definitely remember with fondness when my friend asked whether any of the rails were electrified.  Seizing upon the opportunity, I said “no,” then pretended that I was wrong.  Bzzzz!   Bzzzz!  It was funny because there were four of us and four teenagers can handle pretty much anything.  I acted like thousands of volts were coursing through me.  After a few seconds of surprise, I burst out laughing and everyone realized it was just a great bit.  No hard feelings.  No mental scars.

On the other end of the spectrum is not only the most egregious example of a mistimed and ill-conceived fake electrocution, but one of the most egregious scenes of cruelty in the history of Cinema.  And it happens to occur in one of the great family action movies of all time: Jurassic Park.

You know the set-up for the movie, but I will remind you.  A wealthy industrialist creates a theme park on a remote tropical island with real life dinosaurs on it.  He invites renowned scientists for a sneak peak of the facilities, along with Jeff Goldblum.  Also on the island are his two grandchildren.  While they are there, the actor who plays Newman sabotages the whole operation and the electricity goes out, creating a situation where the humans are left to fend for themselves on an island filled with dinosaurs, many of which are man-eating predators.   

Now here’s the background for the fake electrocution.  On a rainy night, while on the tour of the park, the power goes out.  The electrified fences—the ones that are intended to keep the man-eating predator dinosaurs away from people—stop working.  The multicolored Jeep tour vehicles also stop working.  There are two Jeeps, one with Jeff Goldblum and a scientist played by Sam Neill.  In the other are a slimy lawyer and the two children, a girl and a boy.    

A giant Tyrannosaurus Rex emerges from the night.  The lawyer, because he’s a lawyer, is a coward and runs into a hut and for some reason sits on a toilet with his pants down. Those lawyers and their diarrhea.  The mammoth predator smashes the Jeep containing the children and then tries to eat them alive.  In the process, the children are almost crushed by the Jeep and then by the dinosaur.  At some point during the attack, pretty late in the action, actually, Sam Neill and Jeff Goldblum try to distract the monstrous T-Rex and throw flares.  You see, Sam Neill is a paleontologist and knows that a T-Rex can only see motion.  He knows this because of all those bones he found.  The T-Rex then crashes through the hut and eats the lawyer whole in one bite. The children witness all of this.  The T-Rex then turns its bloodthirsty attention back to the children and tries to eat them again and the children miraculously escape, as they and Sam Neill now rappel down a hundred-foot-high dam, as the dinosaur pushes the Jeep off the ledge.  The Jeep falls towards them and the children are almost crushed, but they once again narrowly escape.  They are now temporarily safe from the horrifying T-Rex. 

To recap, these well-to-do American children who have led perfectly safe lives up until this point, have seen their world unravel in a matter of minutes, as a rampaging giant dinosaur has been relentlessly trying to eat them. Indeed, they even witnessed a grown man—a man that was initially charged with protecting them—get eaten alive, the most horrifying and painful death imaginable, and now find themselves abandoned in the middle of a hunting ground of unstoppable apex-predators.  Ah, but not truly abandoned, as there is but one thing standing between these children and certain horrible death: Sam Neill, who is not only an adult, but a dinosaur expert.  If anyone can bring these kids to safety, it’s him. 

The next day, as Sam Neill tries to navigate their way to the safety of home base, they arrive at a fence, specifically one of those electric fences that used to keep dinosaurs away from people.  The fence says “Danger 10,000 Volts.”  They really need to get to the other side, but what about the fence?  Is it electrified? 

What does Sam Neill decide to do in this tense moment? 

He wouldn’t.  No way.  Wait, does he?  Really?  Maybe you blocked it out, but the answer is yes.  He pretends to be electrocuted. As a joke.  Well Ha Ha fucking Ha!

The guy in the Saw movies treats people better. 

Let’s cut to the story meeting:         

Hey, I have an idea, maybe the scientist pretends to be electrocuted.

What do you mean?

Like he grabs the wire and shakes it and screams.

Okay…

But then he lets go and laughs and everyone knows he was kidding.  It was a joke.

And do the kids like it, too?  Do they laugh?

No, they scream the whole time. They’re horrified.

So he just does it for himself.  To make himself laugh.

Exactly. 

What’s crazy is that not only is there no reason to do it, but it costs them valuable time as they ultimately try to climb over the fence, a tense scene as the fences around the park start to re-electrify one by one.  But it’s okay because the children aren’t harmed, are they?  No, of course n—actually, yes!  The boy is still on the fence when the electricity comes back on and is electrocuted! 

He stops breathing and almost dies!  The boy is brought back to life with CPR by Sam Neill, who apparently feels not an ounce of regret and forevermore makes no mention of the cruel cosmic retribution that he so obviously brought upon them by his fate-tempting, ill-advised attempt at humor.    

Years from now, when the kids, now adults, wake up in fits of night terror, it will not be because of the T-Rex or the Raptors or the falling Jeeps.  No.  It will be because some horrible sadistic man that they knew for only one day decided to pull the dumbest prank of all time.  

To recap, here’s a piece of advice.  There’s a time and a place for everything.  If you find yourself lost in a theme park infested with man-eating dinosaurs and you are charged with the care of two vulnerable children, and you are the only thing keeping them from certain death, for the love of God, don’t pretend that the fence they need to get across to live is electrocuted and that it just killed you.  Because it’s not remotely funny and I can’t believe I have to tell you this!