The Day Adele Came to my House to Kill Me
January 13, 2023
Guest Post by an Anonymous Man
Adele and I had broken up just about a year before, maybe closer to eighteen months. She was a fun girl, a little young, but damned if she wasn’t a bucket of Pure Crazy. That always made things interesting, but truth be told it also made the relationship unsustainable. So eventually I ended it.
Anyway, whatever, it didn’t work out. She was cool, but definitely too clingy, and I wasn’t ready for that. Plus, I had another girl that I really, really liked, and lo and behold, I ended up marrying the other girl. Today, we have three kids.
But I’ll never forget that day.
I was sitting in my living room dicking around on my phone. My wife was sleeping upstairs – eight months pregnant with our first. A few weeks earlier, I’d received a handwritten note in the mail, no return address, so I was already a little on edge. It was typical ex-girlfriend shit, but I knew in my heart it was her.
I heard that you're settled down
That you found a girl and you're married now
I heard that your dreams came true
Guess she gave you things, I didn't give to you
So we already know we’re dealing with some Pure Crazy shit right there.
Back to that day, I remember it like it happened an hour ago. I’m in my living room, and I hear a car door slam outside, and see out of the corner of my eye a taxi drive away. And my Spidey-senses go up. Is this the other shoe about to drop?
And sure enough, I go up to the window, peek behind the curtain, and there she is, lumbering up my driveway with a tote bag. And mind you, this is not 2023 Adele, all lanky and dolled up. This was 2010 Adele. More real, but MUCH more physically imposing. And my heart dropped. I says to myself, “she’s here to kill you, bro.”
I thought for a minute that I would dive behind the couch, but then I thought she would just ring the bell and probably kill my wife and unborn child, so I decided to get ahead of the situation.
I open the door, and there she is, almost surprised to see me. Mind you, she took a taxi here, and that taxi already left, so I know she means business, and this was… well I guess I didn’t know what to expect, so I just clammed up and listened.
She started speaking, like she’d rehearsed what she was going to say, “Old friend, why are you so shy? Ain't like you to hold back or hide from the light. I hate to turn up out of the blue, uninvited. But I couldn't stay away, I couldn't fight it.”
And I was thinking to myself, “‘I hate to turn up out of the blue, uninvited?’ Oh Jesus, fuck. Here it comes. It was a good run, bro.”
And then she basically confirmed my worst fears. She looked me in the eye, “I had hoped you'd see my face, and that you'd be reminded that for me, it isn't over.”
It isn’t over.
I closed my eyes and got ready, because nine out of ten times, when a psycho ex-girlfriend whom you’ve dumped mutters those words, she will pull out a weapon - a knife or a gun - and try to kill you. It’s just the way it is. Those are probably the most frightening words for a man to hear in the English language.
I wait.
But nothing happened. It was probably ten seconds but felt like ten years. Slowly I opened one eye and peeked out. And saw that she was still fumbling inside her tote bag. I assumed if it wasn’t over for her, it sure as fuck was going to be over for me.
But then, and you’ll never believe it, her face changed, and all the crazy came rushing back. She stood up straight and gave a little head shake, and said, of all things, “Never mind, I'll find someone like you. I wish nothing but the best for you, too.”
Are you fucking kidding me? Talk about a 180. She knows I’m married, walks up to my front door out of the blue, says that ‘it isn’t over,’ and then pauses a millisecond and says “never mind!” she’ll find someone “like me?!”
Like I said, Bucket of Pure Crazy.
And then she got all sweet and teary eyed. “Don't forget me, I beg. I remember you said ‘Sometimes it lasts in love, but sometimes it hurts instead.’”
I froze for a minute, because I didn’t remember ever saying those words, but if I did, I was probably just improvising, drunk, grasping for straws when I was breaking up with her. But I guess some of it stuck. And damned if it didn’t save my life. She repeated, "Sometimes it lasts in love, but sometimes it hurts instead.”
I swear to God, she said that and literally turned around and rumbled down the driveway and walked up the street. I didn’t’ see her again until I was watching the MTV Video Music Awards and realized that she sang songs.
Either way, I dodged a bullet. She still might decide to kill me one day, which is probably inevitable, but, and this may sound stupid—but to this day, I believe in that moment it would have been less crazy for her to kill me and my family than to do what she actually did.