Personality Disorder: Year Two in Review

So it’s come to this: a clip show.

Actually, I did a clip show last year, too, so it came to this long ago, my friends.

Click Here for Personality Disorder: Year One in Review.

This week marks two full years of writing this Substack publication, known on the street as Personality Disorder.

The year 2024 featured 34 new posts. If you click on them from time to time, you might notice that they are all over the place, at least in terms of what topics they cover. They’re sometimes about sports, sometimes about movies, TV, or music, sometimes just personal stories, sometimes repressed memories from my old job, sometimes rants about New York City, sometimes rants about words that bother me, people that bother me, and things in the Universe that bother me. You play your cards right, you might read a rant about yourself one day.

Below I will list the top posts of the year (as determined by the Substack supercomputer based on views and engagement and the like) and then I will list my favorite posts of the year (as determined by the supercomputer inside my skull).

But before I do, a few brief observations. First, the reason I wade into so many different subjects is largely because I have one overarching rule when it comes to writing in this format. That rule is to be either funny or interesting, or at least to try. If I start writing something and find that whatever is on the page is neither of those things, I stop and throw it out. Now is your opportunity to crack a joke. For example:

“That sounds like a good rule. When do you intend to start implementing it?”

“You mean there’s worse stuff, too? Good lord!”

“Have you considered killing yourself, Brian?”

Also, you might have noticed, especially in this election year, that there is virtually no political content to be found on these pages. Sure, I have very specific opinions on hyper-local issues (like how many lanes the BQE should have, and whether the city should close all the streets for an annual bike tour), but other than that, I leave traditional political commentary to the professionals. The real reason I have not written much about politics to date—in addition to lack of knowledge, expertise, and interest—is that I have a sneaky suspicion doing so would violate my cardinal rule, at least with respect to being interesting.

Finally, while this publication does not cost anything, which I’m sure explains why the Substack algorithm loathes me so much (they’re actually the ones who suggested I kill myself), I know the more important truth—that your time is infinitely more valuable. Therefore I am genuinely grateful for every minute that you spend reading what I wrote. So thank you.

As always, if you like something on these pages, I encourage you to forward, re-post, or “re-stack.” I’m effectively disabled when it comes to social media, so I welcome all the help I can get. This publication started with me sending it to people who are close to me, people I miss, and people whose world views might overlap with mine. Sure enough, over time, people I don’t know started subscribing, and in my head they are all very similar to the classy friends in Lloyd’s dream sequence in Dumb and Dumber.

Keeping in mind that I make no representations on quality and that everything is relative, here are the top posts of the year.

Your Top Posts (according to Substack)

5 (TIE). City to Grandma: Drop Dead

5 (TIE). A Christmas Card to My Mother

Two very different posts, but somehow related. The first was a story of me trying to get my 80-year old mother to church on time on Palm Sunday, despite the city’s diabolical efforts to thwart us at every turn. The other was a short write-up of my mother’s life (so far - she’s still with us, thank God), which generated a surprising and beautiful reaction from many of you. The lesson for me is that there is a certain universality to human experience, and I’m humbled if this piece was able to capture even of sliver of it.

4. That Time We Buried Two Bodies in the Woods

“Who the fuck cares? I'll dig the hole. It’s not the first hole I dug. I don’t give a fuck.” - Tommy DeVito (Joe Pesci) in Goodfellas

3. What If You Actually Want to Stay in Your Neighborhood? In Defense of the NIMBYs

I complain a lot in these pages about New York City, but the reality is I’ve lived here all my life and I love my neighborhood. This is me hoping that no one messes it up.

2. My Martha Stewart Story (Part I)

This is about a case I worked on early in my professional career, which is also a memory I’ve repressed for the past twenty years. It’s about my time working on the Martha Stewart criminal case as a junior lawyer in a big firm.

1. You Didn't Go Anywhere - The Overuse of the Word "Journey"

This is one of several tirades about certain ubiquitous words that bother me. This one is about the overuse of “journey,” which word serves as a perfect metaphor for our collective self-indulgence. The fact that this is one of the shortest essays on this list and also the most popular is probably not a coincidence. It simply means you are all irredeemably lazy. In retaliation, I’m only going to write longer essays going forward.

You know who didn’t go on a journey? 99% of the people who talk about how they went on a journey.

I saw someone recently refer to their mental health journey. They didn’t go on a journey. They were in a psychiatric institution the whole time.

People talk about their personal health journey. They didn’t go on a journey. They went on a diet.

And remember those people who work for the company where the CEO issues press releases about how they’ve all been on a transformation journey? Guess what? They didn’t go on a transformation journey. They went to work.

My Top Posts

5. The Man Who Tried to Burn Down the Airport

This is the surreal story of one of the worst air travel experiences of my life. Keep reading for the surreal part.

4. Balls of Steel

In a world bursting at the seams with fake plastic people, poseurs and wall-to-wall bullshit, the story of Alexei Navalny and his sacrifice is remarkable. It seems so out of place in 2024 that I still find it hard to believe. This piece was written on the day that the news of his death broke, and I pray that the world will remember this guy and what he did.

3. Son, You Are Always With Me

This is a story about listening to the Parable of the Prodigal Son while our son was home from college. Although I wrote this post, to be honest all the good stuff was written down by Saint Luke.

2. The Miracle of the Universe

This recounts the experience of viewing a total solar eclipse, which was infinitely more emotional and profound than advertised. In fact, the prevailing cultural language of modern Western Civilization does not provide the tools to adequately describe it.

1. My Martha Stewart Story (Part II)

This is the B-Side to the initial post, which recounts one day in the courtroom during the Martha Stewart criminal trial, including a random and life-altering true encounter with a would-be celebrity.

Hidden Gems: 2024

Bring Out the Olives! – a tribute to the Maury Povich Show and his groundbreaking work with crazy phobias.

My Infinite Loop of Despair – a bizarre homage to the late great Carl Weathers, who died on Groundhog Day.

What Happened to the Spoons? - on the realization that we’re all Dwight Schrute, and the Universe is Jim.

Johnny Thunder – written with Michael de Leeuw, this is a first-hand account of an ill-fated attempt by two corporate lawyers to perform a lesser-known Kinks song in a packed bar in Jackson, Mississippi in 2006.

Music

The Greatest Song Parody of All Time - and one of the greatest Subsquacks of the year, if you ask me.

The Mike Post– a tribute to the greatest TV theme composer of all time.

A Journey Through Holiday Hell - on the soul-deadening state of contemporary holiday music.

Sports

Reflections on Being a Fan - on our trip to the College Football National Championship game. Go Blue!

ESPN - The Worldwide Leader in Shit - why the baseball playoffs and bullshit TV are a bad combination.

George Teague and the Aaron Rodgers Fiasco - What happens when a superstar player with no character goes to play for an organization with no self-respect? The answer is the debacle that is the New York Jets 2024 season.

I Work Too Hard to Put Up With This Bullshit - why I don’t want to see Taylor Swift when I watch NFL football.

The Dumbest Injury Ever - or, in the alternative, What it Means to Be a True Met Fan

Words

Change the Narrative - Because People Use that Word Way Too Much

I Don't Know What the Word "Normative" Means - fun fact, and one of the reasons I enjoy Substack. I wrote this snarky piece about how a lot of academic types like to use this word “normative,” and in doing so cited as an example another essay that used the word a bunch of times. Soon after posting, the author of that other essay posted a comment at the end of my post explaining what he meant by “normative” in his essay, and explained why he chose to use the word. Pretty cool.

Medical Adventures

Colon Adventures - Journey to the Center of the Girth

Lasers, Lenses, and You - on my cataract surgery:

He covered my right eye with a piece of plastic then taped it to my head. He said something to the effect of, “that’s so no one bothers your right eye.” I felt both relieved and mortified at the same time. What made them institute this practice in the first place?

New York City Misadventures

Bicycles and Physics - on the futile effort to make cycling completely safe in New York City.

Easter Postscript - the Epilogue to the Palm Sunday Grandma story.

She Sells Mangoes By The Roadside - An update on the current state of the Brooklyn-Queens Expressway. It’s not good.

Movie Hot Takes

The Sum of All Fears - The Shining and Every Woman’s Worst Nightmare

Previous Hot Takes: Superman II, Dirty Dancing, Jurassic Park, and Rocky

And the Rest

A Man's Best Friend – Why All Serious Men Need a Serious Barber

Just Buy It - The New Bizarro World of Nike Marketing

Random Headlines Part VI; Click here for Parts I, II, III, IV, or V.

Favorites from Personality Disorder Year One

Wacky Races European Edition – Driving in Greece

Walt Disney, Destroyer of Worlds - Bleak Observations from Walt Disney World® Magic Kingdom

The Decline of the New York City Skyline – Human Dildos Living in Steel Dildos

Keith Hernandez - The Greatest Baseball Person of All Time

The Outer Bridge - The Dumbest and Most Incredible Thing in New York City

5:25: That's What Time it is in Stupid Town - Why the Clock on the Microwave is Always Wrong

A Funny Thing Happened When I Rented a Car - on AMEX Death and Dismemberment Insurance.

Now, if this is your first time reading this publication, imagine if you had received these mind-blowing insights in real time?! Don’t miss out. Subscribe! Click through all the things. Skip, Skip, and Skip again. Did I mention it’s free, you cheapskates?