Personality Disorder: Year One in Review
January 3, 2024
One year ago, I watched a football game, got angry, and wrote a lengthy rant trying to articulate why I was so angry. It stirred up a bunch of old memories and emotions, which oddly enough were also football-related, but it allowed me to hone in on what it was that had me so worked up in the first place. Writing about it made that anger seem less unhinged – to me, at least, maybe not to you or anyone else. That was the birth of this Substack publication, Personality Disorder.
I called it that because I was self-aware enough to recognize that a certain pathology might be lurking beneath the original post, How NFL Referee Gene Steratore Ushered in the End of Western Civilization. But other than granting the notion that some well-meaning pseudo-professionals might characterize its tone and sentiments as extreme enough to constitute evidence of a psychological condition, I leave it to you, Dear Reader, to tell me whether I’m actually crazy. Was Frederick Nietzsche crazy? Was Vincent Van Gogh crazy? Pathology Shmathology. After all, not only did the essay make perfect sense to me at the time, but it turns out I was completely right about everything!
Whatever the initial diagnosis, over the past twelve months there have been plenty of opportunities to update and refine the medical chart. During that time, I have written 33 posts in total, consisting of 28 essays across seemingly unrelated subjects, and five collections of joke headlines. Who reads them? (Objection! Assumes facts not in evidence.) Well, as to who receives them, I initially came up with a list of people I know personally whom I thought would appreciate the bits and enjoy the writing, or that I otherwise just missed having in my life day-to-day, and listed them/you as subscribers. Plus family, because they shouldn’t have a choice in the matter, right? In any event, I tried to avoid people who would rat me out to my boss or the authorities.
In case you were wondering, everyone’s a free subscriber. No one pays a dime. This makes the cancellations all the more perplexing. Here’s another fun fact: the number of subscribers is still in the double digits. Tik Toks about how to curate your taint generate a million times more views, and rightfully so. Between you and me, a few of my subscribers are clearly repeats. Why does my brother need two personal email addresses? Ditto for a few of my kids. So I might have like twenty subscribers in total, but to those of you who actually read these bits, it means a lot, so thank you.
Here is a recap of Year One of Personality Disorder. I am not on the Facebook or the Instagram or the Twitter. Like Ivan Drago, I write for me. Dlya Sebya!
That being said, although I am not on any of the social media, you might be. If you enjoyed any particular post – a hot take on Rocky I perhaps? – feel free to forward it along to someone who might also enjoy it. Or if you feel invested enough, share it with your own social media network (please refrain from using the caption – “Check out this post from this complete Nob Job!”). You are and will always be in the Inner Circle, but I’m not averse to creating an Outer Circle.
Anyway, if you know someone who might enjoy one of the essays below, pick one that you like the most and send it to them.
Send them to your friend who loves (or hates) Tom Brady, or who recently came back from the Hellscape that is Disney World. Or who spent two hours in traffic on the BQE.
If you know Keith Hernandez, feel free to forward this love letter to him.
If you know Tom Brady, please do NOT send this one to him. Hate mail is best left unmailed.
If you know retired NFL referee Gene Steratore, don’t bother sending the original post to him. I already mailed it to his place of business.
I’ve also just printed, stamped, and mailed this one about how Tony Romo is a gutless sellout loser for praising the same Gene Steratore on national television, so no need to send to Steratore separately.
Don’t bother sending this General Zod fantasy baseball taunt to anyone – everyone in my fantasy leagues has already received it, and they were the only intended audience. Kneel Before Zod!
Beyond sports, if you’re a fan of the movies, you might be interested in these hot takes about several recent hit movies, which are definitely culturally relevant in 2023:
Like this review of Dirty Dancing, the movie where Patrick Swayze played the most diabolical movie villain in the history of cinema.
Or this reinterpretation of the Rocky franchise. Don’t worry. Everything you are watching is actually happening, and Adrian just split the atom.
Jurassic Park– Who knew that the most vicious act in the whole franchise was not perpetrated by a dinosaur?
What about Superman II? In a similar vein, who knew that the most villainous act in the original Superman movies was committed by the Man of Steel himself, so-called.
Don’t like movies or sports? First off, you totally sound like someone I would love to hang out with, but, in any event, how about music?
How about this made up story about the Worst Medical Advice in Music History, eerily enough written six months before Sinead O’ Connor was found dead.
Looking for something more up-to-date, how about this bit about a crazy Adele song from 2011? That’s about as recent as I got on music, sorry-not-sorry.
Although there was also this rant about modern Christmas music: A Journey Through Holiday Hell: An Evening with "Jolly Christmas" Feat. Satan.
And I did write a rave review of the classic viral pet video Talking Cat Says Oh Long Johnson, so that’s pretty culturally relevant as well.
Moving away from pop culture, there have been a number of posts on real life things, too. For example, if you are a New Yorker and haven’t already left the city or if you have left and love being reminded of why you left in the first place, feel free to pass along:
This one, about the worst highway in America, the Brooklyn Queens Expressway, which somehow keeps getting worse.
This one about the Five Boro Bike Tour. Fuck you back, New York City!
This history lesson about the Outer Bridge, the Dumbest and Most Incredible Thing in New York.
Or this lament from just last week about The Decline of the New York Skyline - Human Dildos Living in Steel Dildos.
If you enjoy insightful travelogues in the spirit of Alexis de Tocqueville, don’t read these, but you might nonetheless appreciate these first-hand accounts from:
Disney World, Walt Disney, Destroyer of Worlds,
Wacky Races European Edition: Driving in Greece, or
The Unluckiest Airline Passenger of All Time.
If you’re just looking for good old-fashioned travel advice, how about tips on how to use American Express car rental insurance, A Funny Thing Happened When I Rented a Car.
If un-researched social and business commentary is more your speed, perhaps you would appreciate a few rants about how corporations exploit us and that we absolutely deserve it.
Like this one about the Spectrum TV vs. Disney bullshit. I’ll bet you already forgot about that, didn’t you?
How do you Choose YOUR Hospital? A piece about Dumb-Ass Marketing, including a bonus take-down of the Most Vile Franchise in Sports, the New York Yankees.
If you like brazen displays of erudition, or hubris, or derangement, you might recall that I once decided to write two lengthy pieces proving once and for all that God exists and that each and every one of you is going straight to hell. Take that, Saint Anselm!
The first is Godlessness is Not a Virtue Part I, which offers a few counter-punches to some of the more predictable and disingenuous arguments against religion; the sequel, Godlessness is Not a Virtue Part II, chronicles the pseudo-intellectual horseshit of renowned “transhumanist” Yuval Harari. Cliff Notes version: He’s a complete fraud.
If you prefer to keep your world as tight as possible and are the type that would rather just stay at home and complain about the other people in the household, you might appreciate:
This one about my microwave oven clock: 5:25 That's What Time it is in Stupid Town.
Or this one about doing laundry. Literally. Sock Hoarders - Intervention. If I don’t do it, who’s gonna do it? You? You, Lieutenant Weinberg?
Lastly, shifting gears, if you know someone who’s not into “reading” “per se,” and just likes to see pictures and like 10-20 words tops, maybe ones that try to make you laugh by copying the style of The Onion, you might forward along one of the Random Headlines from Beyond the Sun: Part I, II, III, IV, or V. Some people think they’re actually funny. Parts, anyway.
If you don’t know anyone, that’s cool. Or if I’m the only person you know, that’s cool, too. Those other people don’t interact with you only because they don’t like who you are as a person.
So, my beloved Inner Circle, let’s keep it going into Year Two. As long as I keep my day job, you can rest assured that this site will always be free.
That reminds me. If you want me to keep my day job, best that you don’t send any of these writings to people at my day job. Because on retrospect, some of these posts are just plain nuts.